The episode opens innocently enough with Bobby's girlfriend Connie inviting him over to add some spark to her dying slumber party. But after Bobby's beaten up by a crasher, Hank urges him to enroll in a boxing class at the Y. That class is full, so Bobby enrolls in the next best thing: women's self-defense. There, he quickly masters the technique of targeting an attacker below the belt.

Dale is running for re-election as Gun Club president, but his chances seem to be shot when he accidentally discharges his gun. To give Dale his confidence back, Hank pretends to be "Mr. Big," answers Dale's ad in Soldier of Fortune magazine, and assigns Dale to pick up a briefcase. But Dale bungles the job, and nearly gets his friends killed by his opponent at the Gun Club.

Peggy takes the school Spanish club on a field trip to Mexico. She mistakes a little Mexican girl, Lupe, for one of her students, and takes her back on the bus with her. When she realizes her mistake, she brings Lupe back to Mexico and is arrested for kidnapping. Meanwhile, Hank finds himself the object of a female cop's affections, who keeps pulling him over for various reasons, in order to spend time with him.

Buck Strickland has to build a house for Habitat for Humanity as part of his community service, Hank does all the work. Buck is so pleased that he promotes Hank to manager, but when Hank tells Buck in public that he loves him, he is quickly demoted. Cotton becomes jealous that Hank likes Buck better, and Peggy sets out to repair their broken relationship for a Christmas miracle.

Kahn tries to bribe Bobby to break up with Connie. Connie and Bobby decide to pretend to break up so they can get the money. When Connie's behavior convinces Kahn and Minh that she is depressed without Bobby, they try to push her and Bobby back together. After endless double dates with the parents, they become tired of each other, and decide to break up, to Kahns horror.

Bobby adjusts to his breakup with Connie, until an afternoon talking to Bill sends him right back into a depression. Not knowing where to go with this issue, Hank sends him to ladies' man Boomhauer, for a lesson in picking up on women. When Bobby sees him in action, he loses the respect for the "magic" he has, when he sees him strike out time after time.

Peggy nominates Bobby to carry the Olympic torch through Arlen, but it's Hank who wins the honor---and bungles it.

Peggy stirs up rebellion among female workers at a Renaissance Faire where Hank is trying to land a big account. When she is assigned to be a house cleaning wench, she refuses to stay in character, and behaving inferior to the men. When she tries to approach the King, he dismisses her, which starts a war that Peggy needs to win.

Kahn wants Connie to practice classical music so she can become a great concert violinist, but Connie discovers she has a talent playing bluegrass. Hank and the guys form a band with Connie, the "Dale Gribble Bluegrass Experience," and go to Branson, Missouri to participate in a contest. But in his desire to win, Hank pushes Connie to practice and takes all the fun out of playing, just like Kahn did.

Peggy takes an online I.Q. test sponsored by the "Intelligence Institute of Texas," and is declared a genius. When the head of the Institute, Dr. Vayzosa, offers her a chance to get a PhD for only $900, she uses the family savings to pay for it. When Luanne takes the online I.Q. test and also scores as a genius, Peggy realizes that she has been conned, and she comes up with an elaborate sting to get the money back. Hank learns of her plans, and tries to intervene, but is it too late?

When Cotton's VFW has to close down due to a shortage of members, Hank tries to get Vietnam vets to join. But the WWII vets and the Vietnam vets hate each other, and when Hank tries to bring them together, he and Cotton wind up getting pursued by kill-crazy Vietnam veterans who are having flashbacks. Meanwhile, Dale gets a falcon that keeps attacking Bill.

Unable to find a full-time teaching job, Peggy agrees to go to work with Hank at Stickland Propane. An idea that Hank is much fonder of than Peggy. When the opportunity arrises for Peggy to teach full time, she lies about her religion, to teach at a Catholic school.

After learning the Army used him as a guinea pig for an experimental drug, Bill gets drunk and steals a tank, but Dale reveals that the information is wrong, Bill was not used as an experiment. The guys have to prove to Bill that his life is as it is without military tampering, and get him to surrender the tank.

When Hank and Dale find more interest in the activities of the other's son, they switch roles, Hank helps Joseph with sports, and Dale reads lines for a play with Bobby. After thinking about their differences, Dale comes to the conclusion, that he is not Josephs biological father--an alien is.

Kahn covets membership in an all-Asian country club, and is invited...if he brings Hank and his family along. Hank is the one who is targeted for membersip, but only to keep the club from being Asian exclusive.

When Texas is out of Hank's favorite Alamo Beer, he is eager to find out why. When his questions go unanswered, Peggy gains employment at the company to find out. Peggy doesn't want to divulge the reason because of a clause that she has signed--a vow of secrecy. Hank turns on Peggy for her company loyalty, and Peggy turns on Alamo, for their customer disloyalty.

Peggy encourages lonely Luanne to join a sorority, but the snobbish sorority girls won't have anything to do with her. So Luanne joins Omega House, a sorority where everyone is accepted and everyone is named "Jane," not realizing that it's actually a cult that brainwashes lonely young women. Meanwhile, Buck Strickland tells Hank to kill his emus, but Hank and his friends can't bear to do it.

Dale and Nancy are renewing their marriage vows, and Nancy wants to invite Dale's estranged father, Bug, a rodeo performer. Dale hates his father for making a pass at Nancy on their wedding day, but when Hank goes to see Bug, he discovers that the rodeo is a gay rodeo, and Dale's dad is gay.

Hank repairs a propane-powered hot tub for a bikini-clad Nancy Gribble, and starts to have dreams about him and Nancy grilling burgers in the nude. When Peggy finds out, she concludes that Hank is bored with her and that they need to spice up their marriage by going to a nude beach.

Bill tries to get the attention of a beautiful jogger, by setting a trap in the street. She trips and falls, hurting her ankle but instead she goes home with Boomhauer. For the first time in his life Boomhauer finds himself in love, and heartbroken... like so many he has left behind.

The Hills head to Japan because Cotton wants to apologize for his actions in WWII. The grizzled vet says he plans to address the widow of a soldier he killed. Peggy arranges to cover the visit for the local paper, but the family arrives to find it has become an overblown media event. Cotton admits to Hank that the "widow" was never married, and the "action" did not occur in battle. Meanwhile, back home, Dale and Bill prove themselves dedicated house sitters by dressing up as Hank and Peggy; and Luanne finds a replacement dog when she thinks she has killed Ladybird.

It is revealed that Hank has a long-lost half-brother, who disowns his American relatives. Angered by this, Cotton plans to spit in the face of the Japanese Emperor Akihito at a ceremony honoring WW2 veterans later that night. As the Hill Brothers try to stop their father, they come to realize how much they have in common. Meanwhile, Bobby develops a relationship with his dance partner at the local arcade.